Oh this is such a hard one. There are so many times I've felt broken in my life. Broken by others, broken by my own mistakes and shame, broken by the trials of life. When life is falling apart, when you're the victim of abuse, when your weaknesses overwhelm you, when societal norms and institutions hold you back - it's so hard not to feel like you're crumbling under the weight. Even worse though is when the shame creeps in and your internal narrative turns to shame and blame. When you feel like every fault, every trauma, and every bad decision is actually contributing or maybe even causing the problem. If I'm honest, I have spent most of my life striving for perfection and achieving success to cover up the fact that I felt like a hot mess inside. To cover up how broken I felt.
The Feeling is Real
When my marriage was falling apart, I spent three years in therapy trying to figure out what I needed to change about myself to make it work. Which inherently isn't a bad thing to take accountability for your part, but all I was really doing was internalizing my ex's words and trying to morph into what I thought would make him happy. If I was thinner, prettier, sexier, more domesticated, less opinionated, better at cooking, better at cleaning... then we'd have a happy marriage. Addiction wasn't the problem. The emotional abuse wasn't the problem. I was the problem... or so I thought. If I could just be what he needed - more patient and understanding. If only I didn't trigger him so much then he would stop drinking. Then we'd be happy. If I could just fix my weaknesses, heal my trauma, ignore my pain - then it would all be ok. I saw myself as broken - and honestly, who wants to love someone who is broken? I certainly didn't love myself so why would he or anyone else for that matter?
The Cheerio Incident
Cheerios on the carpet - that was one of my lowest points in my marriage. Well, it wasn't just cheerios, it was a bowl full of milk and cheerios that my son had knocked on the floor. I had left early for work and my ex was supposed to handle breakfast and drop off so I imagine the spill occurred at some point... and my ex, who had spent the day at home, left it there, all day, likely with the assumption that I would come home and clean it up. That was generally his expectation - I was the sole bread winner, but he expected me to do all the cleaning, cooking, and majority of the childcare (the fact that he had to feed our son breakfast was, in his mind, a notable act of service).
I came home from work that day and as I neared the table, I saw the that bowl of cheerios on the floor and I just stared at it. For a full minute. And then... I kept on walking. Now this wasn't a moment of me standing my ground... it was simply more than I could handle. The stress of my marriage, work, financial struggles, parenting - spilt milk and cheerios was just too much. And that's not even the worst part. That bowl and those cheerios laid there for more than a week. The milk curdled. It smelled. I knew my ex would never clean it up but day after day I walked past it because I just couldn't. It was all just a reflection of where I was in my life. I felt like a rotting mess on the floor.
My Unhealthy Obsession with 'Fixing' Me
Reality was, as my marriage fell to pieces, so did I. I wanted so badly to have a happy marriage and family and I tried so hard to morph myself into whatever I needed to be to make it work. It was simple. Change me, save my marriage. My goal was to take the ruins of me and create the masterpiece of a wife that my ex wanted. I felt so broken though so my thinking was more along the lines of 'what masterpiece can you make from trash?'
I wish I could say this obsession with fixing me was limited to my marriage. It wasn't. It was something I learned at a young age - love was all about fitting into other people's boxes, being what they needed or wanted me to be. I saw my worth through the eyes of everyone else... and that meant a lifetime of trying to be what I thought would make me loveable in the eyes of others. If I could just fix me then everything would be great. The problem is when you're constantly trying to be what everyone else needs and wants, you just end up fracturing your soul... sometimes to the point that you don't even know who you are anymore. Hard to feel whole when you've spent your life breaking yourself apart to appeal to others.
I am Unbroken.
This month marks four years since I ended my marriage and what I have learned in that time is that I am not broken at all. I'm not now and I wasn't then. Truth is there has never been a point in my life that I was. Sure, there's been trauma and pain and things that pushed me to my breaking point... but I'm still here. And not only am I still here, I am stronger and happier and healthier than ever. Because it didn't break me... maybe chipped away at me a bit, but through the hardship and pain, I kept walking. Those cheerios felt like Everest in the moment... but I did eventually clean them up. My marriage took me to my lowest point... honestly I could hardly recognize myself. It didn't break me though. I made the incredibly difficult choice to end my marriage. I became a single mom which is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I fought to get my light back. I fought to heal. I fought to live. I fought for mine and my son's happiness. I fought for all the pieces of me and the right to be all of me.
Kintsugi
There's an ancient Japanese artwork of repairing broken pottery with precious metals - the result is a masterpiece that far exceeds the value and beauty of the original.
My life reflects this. There is so much in my life that could have left me in a pile of pieces, bitter and broken. The process of healing, recovery, and repair though have resulted in a stronger, happier, more authentic version of me. My pieces have been restored and it's more beautiful than ever.
I am unbroken. And so are you.
You might feel broken sometimes but let me be your reminder that you're not. The shame, the abuse, the trials may feel overwhelming. And it may take you to your lowest point yet. But your soul is divine. Your worth is eternal. Your potential is unending. And you are not broken - you are just forming the masterpiece that is you.
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