My husband is an alcoholic. Worse, he's an alcoholic who won't get help. He tried AA once and just said 'it wasn't for him'. The drinking starts as soon as he comes home from work and, on the weekends, pretty much from the moment he wakes up. There are certainly times when it's better and times when it's worse, but right now it happens to be worse.
What many people don't understand is that there's many different types of alcoholism. Whatever picture you have in your head - it's probably wrong. The uneducated, down-on-his-luck drunk you can spot a mile away is not what most alcoholics look like. In fact, there are many high-functioning alcoholics out there and how alcoholism manifests itself widely varies by person. My husband's alcoholism manifests itself in two ways - memory loss and uninhibited emotion. He doesn't remember conversations, events, or sometimes how he got from one place to another. He doesn't remember the time he forced our young child into a scalding hot shower (he was too drunk to realize he had only turned on the hot water). He doesn't remember the time he peed on the couch (after passing out) and then stripped naked (which is how we discovered him the next morning). He doesn't remember the time he came home wasted and spent 20 minutes telling me how happy he was that he had decided not to cheat on me that night (despite the sexual offer he received).
His uninhibited emotion manifests itself in extremes. Extreme happiness, sadness, anger, anxiety, ambivalence, meanness. All the things that he inhibits during the day comes pouring out. Sometimes this results in cursing, name-calling, and yelling. Sometimes it's cuddles, "I love you's", and unexpected proclamations of love (any post on facebook about how much he loves me were solely the result of a lot of drinking). Sometimes it comes out as threats, banging on my locked door, or the occasional overly harsh 'discipline' (as he calls it) to our child. Sometimes it demonstrates as dark, depressive episodes where he doesn't move from the couch for days. Sometimes it's dancing, partying, and jokes. Sometimes it's angry political rants or screaming at the TV. (I acknowledge there are some mental health issues at play here as well).
What is it like living with an alcoholic? It's a constant and ever so exhausting, emotional rollercoaster. I never know who my spouse will show up to be each day. It's like a different husband every day. And with that is a different emotion for me everyday. Will I be scared today? Will I need to be overly protective of my child? Will we party today? Will we keep to separate sides of the house to keep the peace? Will I need to be nurturing and kind today or strong and defiant? Will he say cruel things that break my heart or sweet things that surprise me? I honestly never know what to expect when he walks in the door.
Normally we are both working and our interactions are limited to the evenings and weekends and, when under control, his drinking doesn't start until the evening which means I am often in bed before he is totally wasted (which of course doesn't stop the midnight awakenings when he's angry, wants love, or needs to talk). However, during quarantine his anxiety has been through the roof so the drinking begins as soon as he walks through the door. On the weekends, it starts from the time he wakes up and continues all day. Now that has certainly happened before, but now it's every single day, without fail.
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