A few months ago, I was triggered by something my partner did. He was stressed about something (unrelated to me) and wanted to sign off early that night. He called to say good night and at the end of the conversation I said, "I love you", and, overwhelmed by his own stress, he didn't say it back. Two days later, I'm sobbing in his arms, convinced he didn't love me. Had even crossed my mind that now was a good time to break up. Why? I insanely love this man, but the moment triggered past trauma... and I wasn't going to go through that again.
Crazy right? I admit that particular instance was a little dramatic.... but that process of being triggered and reacting in a way not totally suited to the moment or the person happens way more in relationships than we realize. Something seemingly small and insignificant invokes an entire trauma response and next thing we know we can't stop thinking about how our partner is 'just like my ex' and contemplating if we should just get out now to protect ourselves.
"Trauma Vetting" is the word I came up to describe this reaction. It's essentially where you approach new relationships with a lens of constantly assessing if that person will hurt you the same way others have. We do this to protect ourselves but, often, we don't even realize we're even doing it. We've been in flight or fight mode for so long, our minds are constantly sizing up the situation to anticipate risk. And if you've been traumatized by past relationships, your brain and your body know there are legitimate reasons to be cautious...
Why is trauma vetting problematic?
Trauma in and of itself is hard to process. It can create stress on you and also your partner as you both navigate the mine fields of your collective trauma. It's not easy. Trauma 'vetting' adds an additional challenge because it's not just about being triggered. It's that in new relationships, you end up constantly vetting the person based on your worst relationship rather than vetting against the happy and healthy relationship you want. When you vet your partner against past pain, you make assumptions and project past trauma onto the new person. This often translates to conflict, maybe even hurt that they didn't actually cause. Rather than assuming the best, putting yourself out there, and looking for the green flags... we find ourselves assuming the worst, holding back, and being quick to see red flags... even when they aren't actually there. This can be detrimental to the success of even the most well-suited couples.
How does this play out in relationships?
Trauma vetting isn't limited to romantic relationships. It's any relationship as it's a coping mechanism to ensure we don't get hurt again. If we can identify we are doing it though, we can pivot our thinking and create space for new, positive experiences. Here's some examples of how trauma vetting might show up and how it can impact the relationship.
- Your new partner is having a rough day and asks for alone time. Your previous partner would often isolate themselves and keep secrets. You're triggered and assume your partner is hiding something rather than needing some healthy space, especially given they are an introvert. Rather than using this as an opportunity to explore healthy boundaries with your partner, you react by trying to coax them to talk and when they don't oblige, it confirms your worst fears... that they are just like your ex.
- You've newly moved in with your partner and find yourself always picking up everything. You and your partner have talked about equally dividing tasks, but your past partner expected you to do the housework and would get frustrated when the house was messy. Though wanting an equal relationship, your habits aren't allowing it. In time, you find yourself getting mad at your partner for not doing their part.
- Your partner isn't much of a drinker, but at a friend's birthday party, they get a bit tipsy. Your former partner was an alcoholic and abused you. You are triggered and start to brace for verbal or physical assault. It never comes because that's not your partner and you know that, but in that moment you are viewing them through the lens of your abuser and the threat feels very real.
- Your partner scolds their child, raising their voice. You associate yelling with violence because that was your experience as a child and you immediately go into protection mode of the kids. Despite the fact that you know your partner is not violent and is a good parent, your trigger has you wondering if this is all an act and the 'real' version of them will come out later.
Now in any of these situations, the key difference here is the reaction isn't based on repeated behaviors by your new partner, rather they are triggers based on past trauma that are shaping both how you view and interact with your new partner. You may even know that your partner isn't like that logically, but because it's a newer relationship, your brain and body go to what they know. You don't have a foundation yet to immediately contradict trigger.
If not identified for what it is, a trauma response, this can harm your relationship, negatively shape your view of your partner, and may ultimately lead you to end the relationship prematurely.
Working Through Trauma Vetting
So what can we do. There's no simple answers here, but a key step is to learn to recognize it, call it out, and talk it over with your partner. Here's a situation with the original response and an alternative one.
Person A: would you mind taking this plate to the kitchen?
Person B: ... (immediately triggered by their past relationship thinks to themselves 'my ex always asked me to take their dishes to the kitchen. They never helped around the house and always expected me to do everything. They never appreciated me and made me feel worthless. You asking me to do this means you're probably just like them... I don't want to go through that again...)
Person B: fine! (grabs plate and stomps off now off now wondering how they never saw this red flag before)
Person A: ... (sits confused by the reaction wondering if they should still mention how they pulled a muscle earlier that day )
Alternative:
Person A: would you mind taking this plate to the kitchen?
Person B: ... (same thought but recognizes the trauma vetting and now reframes... 'A isn't like that. They actually do a lot of the cleaning. A does all the laundry as well and regularly cooks. They always tell me they appreciate me... this isn't the same situation as before.)
Person B: sure babe, no problem. I admit I was triggered for a second there but I reminded myself that you aren't my ex. I appreciate how we split things up because that kind of relationship is important to me.
Person A: Thanks for telling me you were triggered. Do you want to talk more about that?
We all have trauma, much of which is hardwired in our brains which means our trauma response is our go to reaction in triggered situations. We can 'rewire' that response by identifying trauma vetting when it's happening. Here's some steps to help you do that.
Step 1: Assess the moment. Pause and ask yourself, is your reaction based on the reality of the current situation or the trauma of the past? If the reality matches up with the past, then it's a red flag and you should pay attention to it. If it's not though, you're likely triggered. It's ok here to tell your partner that you're triggered and you need a moment to process.
Step 2: Breathe. Really, pause and take a breath. Your brain and body have a hard wired reaction to send you into fight or flight. Take 3 deep breaths, maybe even tap your middle finger and thumb or rub your temples. Let your body know that you are safe.
Step 3: Create Space. Acknowledge the pain that's coming up and remind yourself that the current situation is new. It's not the same situation and you have the capacity to create space for new thinking and new habits to form. Don't let your brain assume the worst of your partner based on the past - acknowledge the trauma and reframe it. This will allow you to create new experiences and memories.
Step 4: Discuss with your partner. Let your partner know how you are feeling and what trigger has come up for you in that moment. Trauma is hard to overcome and it takes continuous work to rewire our brains to truly believe we are safe. Talking about it, in situations that are safe, will likely allow you and your partner to connect on a deeper level and create understanding rather than hurt or conflict. This isn't easy and both of you will have to commit to listening and creating safety in these moments. But if you can turn these moments of trigger into moments of connection, you're on your way to a very healthy relationship.
To Sum it Up
Vet for what you want, not against what you had. Know your triggers and sit with what comes up. Be careful not to react immediately. Take a deep breath. Pause and process and figure out how to create space for the relationship you want. Then talk it out with your partner. As you recognize your moments of trauma vetting, you'll be able to turn potential moments of conflict into vulnerable moments of connection. This will allow you to eventually better manage your triggers and calm your trauma response and allow you to build trust and safety with your partner.
Try it Out!
Using the example below (or come up with your own), think through how you could reframe the situation and create space.
Situation 1: You are feeling upset about something that happened at work and are wanting to share it with your partner. In your past relationship, your partner would often zone out when you shared things. While you and your new partner enjoy open and vulnerable conversations, this one feels similar to a conversation you had with your past relationship and it didn't go well. You're feeling particularly vulnerable today so you skip the conversation because you fear they might react like your ex and you can't handle going through that again. Rather than creating an opportunity to connect and allow them to listen, you skip the conversation and find yourself feeling unheard... just like your last partner, you aren't able to talk to them about everything.
You're triggered. What can you say to yourself to reframe the situation? What can you do differently to create opportunity for the type of relationship you want?
Situation 2: Your partner is upset about something you did and is trying to convey that they feel hurt. It's not something they do often and you want to listen and show empathy, but your last partner always blamed you for everything. It was such a theme in your relationship that you truly believed you were the problem which led to years of self-loathing. You've worked hard to overcome that and now you recognize your previous relationship as toxic. Rather than listening to your partner in the way you want, you react defensively. They are blaming you, just like your ex and you're not going to let another person always make you out to be the problem.
You're triggered. What can you say to yourself to reframe the situation? What can you do differently to create opportunity for the type of relationship you want?
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